There is no remedy for love than to love more.
-Henry David Thoreau-
-Henry David Thoreau-
The partnership of marriage is usually built upon an expectation of a long term commitment, and is usually entered into based on your history together which informs you both that you "fit". These two factors are important foundation blocks, but they can provoke an over focus on the past or the future.
A focus on the past can dwell on past wrongs, hurts and failings, potentially feeding resentment.
A focus on the past can prompt excusing self by focusing on what your partner has done.
A focus on the past can bring about longing for and grieving "the way things used to be".
A focus on the future can promote procrastination and feeling stuck - "I can't move forward until . . . happens."
A focus on the future can support thoughts like "If he/she would only . . . "
A focus on the future can ignite fear and anxiousness. "What if . . . ?"
Learning to notice and appreciate what is, . . . right now, . . . as it is . . . does NOT mean forgetting the past or neglecting to plan for and prepare for a future. Rather, it can help us to make more sense of the past. It can help us to accept and appreciate the past. It can help us to learn to grieve the losses better, more fully and effectively. It can help us prepare better for the future, by seeing the present more clearly. When the future arrives, then it will be the new present . Learning to notice and appreciate the present now, prepares us to notice and appreciate all the "future presents" to come.
One of the foundational meditation practices is awareness of breath, as it is, in this moment. Regular practice of this meditation alone, has helped many to grow into much better skill in making peace with their past and preparing for their future.
People change. That is the nature of things. Since people change, people in a marriage change. So in a marriage, you are always not only adapting to your own changes, but you are also adapting and adjusting to the changes in your partner. Many who begin a journey into meditation and other mindful living practices are bothered by their partner's "stagnation". Many become frustrated by a sense that their partner "just doesn't get it", and is holding them back. Many begin this journey because their partner has been travelling it before them. They can become intimidated, feeling they may never "catch up".
Regardless of how long either of you have been meditating, or how deeply you have dived into the practice, you ARE going to be at different places in the practice most of the time. Meditation practice can grow to take a considerable amount to time. These factors can be obstacles to meditation and to the partnership. But it can also be a reminder of and opportunity to practice some of the fundamental attitudes of mindfulness: patience, non-striving, beginners mind, kindness, generosity, gratitude, and trust.
Some tips:
*Avoid criticizing your partner's lack of interest, participation, or difference in understanding or application of meditation and other mindfulness practices. Instead, notice and appreciate what interest or practice there is.
*When you have something to teach or share, share it with a "beginners mind", sharing what you are learning and discovering, rather than trying to "correct" your partner. Watch for evidence of destructive pride (in yourself, that is).
*As you are carving out time to meditate, consider how this fits into your marriage and family life. Consider how you can carve it out from time that was not vital to the partnership.
A focus on the past can dwell on past wrongs, hurts and failings, potentially feeding resentment.
A focus on the past can prompt excusing self by focusing on what your partner has done.
A focus on the past can bring about longing for and grieving "the way things used to be".
A focus on the future can promote procrastination and feeling stuck - "I can't move forward until . . . happens."
A focus on the future can support thoughts like "If he/she would only . . . "
A focus on the future can ignite fear and anxiousness. "What if . . . ?"
Learning to notice and appreciate what is, . . . right now, . . . as it is . . . does NOT mean forgetting the past or neglecting to plan for and prepare for a future. Rather, it can help us to make more sense of the past. It can help us to accept and appreciate the past. It can help us to learn to grieve the losses better, more fully and effectively. It can help us prepare better for the future, by seeing the present more clearly. When the future arrives, then it will be the new present . Learning to notice and appreciate the present now, prepares us to notice and appreciate all the "future presents" to come.
One of the foundational meditation practices is awareness of breath, as it is, in this moment. Regular practice of this meditation alone, has helped many to grow into much better skill in making peace with their past and preparing for their future.
People change. That is the nature of things. Since people change, people in a marriage change. So in a marriage, you are always not only adapting to your own changes, but you are also adapting and adjusting to the changes in your partner. Many who begin a journey into meditation and other mindful living practices are bothered by their partner's "stagnation". Many become frustrated by a sense that their partner "just doesn't get it", and is holding them back. Many begin this journey because their partner has been travelling it before them. They can become intimidated, feeling they may never "catch up".
Regardless of how long either of you have been meditating, or how deeply you have dived into the practice, you ARE going to be at different places in the practice most of the time. Meditation practice can grow to take a considerable amount to time. These factors can be obstacles to meditation and to the partnership. But it can also be a reminder of and opportunity to practice some of the fundamental attitudes of mindfulness: patience, non-striving, beginners mind, kindness, generosity, gratitude, and trust.
Some tips:
*Avoid criticizing your partner's lack of interest, participation, or difference in understanding or application of meditation and other mindfulness practices. Instead, notice and appreciate what interest or practice there is.
*When you have something to teach or share, share it with a "beginners mind", sharing what you are learning and discovering, rather than trying to "correct" your partner. Watch for evidence of destructive pride (in yourself, that is).
*As you are carving out time to meditate, consider how this fits into your marriage and family life. Consider how you can carve it out from time that was not vital to the partnership.
Two marital mindfulness activities:
Mutual Breath Awareness - Following the concepts of Breath Awareness meditation, hold one another and pay attention to your partner's breath, as it is, in this moment, one breath at at time.
Buddy Scan - Steve and his wife were amused, but then inspired, by the pronunciation of the phrase "body scan"on a recording by an instructor with an Indo-British accent. He was clearly instructing a "buddy scan". After the amusement came the application. Partners can mindfully and systematically explore their partner's body, appreciating what is, as it is, at this moment. This need not be a sensual exercise, but it certainly can be.
Mutual Breath Awareness - Following the concepts of Breath Awareness meditation, hold one another and pay attention to your partner's breath, as it is, in this moment, one breath at at time.
Buddy Scan - Steve and his wife were amused, but then inspired, by the pronunciation of the phrase "body scan"on a recording by an instructor with an Indo-British accent. He was clearly instructing a "buddy scan". After the amusement came the application. Partners can mindfully and systematically explore their partner's body, appreciating what is, as it is, at this moment. This need not be a sensual exercise, but it certainly can be.